Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose