I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
