I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
