Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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