Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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