Whod you bang
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have aggressive nipples.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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