you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Randomize
