I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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