if only i could text you this smell
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
