I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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