threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
