my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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