Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
