If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
