i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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