i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
