Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
