Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
