does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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