Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
