woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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