I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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