I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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