u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
