it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
