I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
