dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
