Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
