Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
