BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
