when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
