Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
