We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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