and you said cock pushups were impossible
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
