all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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