Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
