Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
