Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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