If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize