if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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