He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
