remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
