At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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