probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
