I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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