It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
