well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
