my phone needs a breathalizer
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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