i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
