If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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