she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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