drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
