It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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