I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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