mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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