im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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