My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
