Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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