She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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